Hey, werewolf lovers and genre TV aficionados! Bitten is based on the bestselling first book in RT favorite Kelley Armstrong's Otherworld series. It's simultaneously airing in Canada and the U.S. You know what means? Grab your toque and your Timbits and settle in for some sexy skin!
We open on an apartment, clothing scattered in a trail to a bedroom, as our very naked heroine, Elena Michaels, takes a guy for a spin. But then it gets weird. Elena (Laura Vandervoort, when book Elena is a bit more Laura Dern-with-muscles) makes excuses to her guy Philip and bolts. Cramps? Nausea? Too many tacos? No, she’s shifting! She quickly finds an alley, strips down, and turns into a wolf! Elsewhere, a cute young guy questions a girl at a bar about the mysterious Danvers family who live out in the country — and calls her a slut for her troubles. (Screw you, too, buddy.) The girl walks through the woods as Elena prowls for prey…and pounces! But, psych, wolf Elena actually dove for a rabbit. That means someone else kills the girl…
Elena and Philip, being all normal
In the morning, Elena comes back to her huge Toronto apartment (How does she afford this on a photographer’s salary?) ravenous for food and more sexytimes. (Her hand wanders south of Philip’s border, y’all. Scandalous!) Later, she connects with her Pack friend, Logan, and confesses her struggle. He reminds her to shift at least once a week and not once a month. Barring that, “you can always go back home.” But she’s not havin’ it. She’ll take a sandwich to go, though! Then, she goes to meet Phillip’s sister Diane — eating dessert, talking work and looking forward to meeting the whole family. Too bad the only thing we can believe is that she’s never heard of Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop. (Bless you, Elena.)
Meanwhile, at the University of New York, Professor Clay Danvers lectures to a bunch of rapt girls about the animal within. (Sorry, book people, he doesn’t have a southern accent.) In the woods, a hunter and his dog find the bar girl’s ravaged corpse. And Jeremy Danvers (50% less Asian than book Jeremy) leaves his isolated estate, Stonehaven, and comes to the crime scene. The cops are none-too-happy to see “Boo Radley.” Jeremy is perfectly cooperative … until he gets into his SUV, where he calls Clay and tells him he’s calling the Pack home. Why? “We have a mutt.” The texts go out, interrupting Logan and a pretty ladyfriend, another guy — Nick — in the midst of a bisexual ménage (You’ve gotta love Canadian TV!) … and Elena.
Super non-Asian Jeremy
Later, Elena is chowing down (Her appetite is a running gag; do we feel inadequate yet?) at an awards ceremony for Philip. Elena uses her superwolf hearing to eavesdrop on Phil’s disapproving mother, because why wouldn’t you? Back at Stonehaven, Nick and his father Tony meet up with Jeremy and Clay to talk about their murderous mutt problem. Jeremy is certain that Elena, too, will come home. The other guys? Not so much. Up in Toronto, Philip accepts his award, and a call from Logan draws Elena out mid-speech. The next day, she meets up with him and another wolf. They urge her to go home and track the mutt for Jeremy, and we learn that Elena and Clay have A History. “I just want to be normal!” she cries. “Sweetheart, that ship sailed years ago,” says the wolf who’s probably cannon fodder.
Broody Clay is broody
As Elena’s quest for normalcy continues, Diane brings her a dress for a family wedding. (It’s pink. Dear God.) The gals go out for martinis to celebrate, and when a creep hits on Elena she almost breaks his arm. When Diane pries, Elena says being in a bad family makes you recognize when you’ve landed in a good one. (If your head hurts, thank the anvil.) Out at Stonehaven, the sheriff tells Jeremy the coroner confirmed a wolf kill and the wolf needs to be caught and put down. (Lady, you don’t know the half of it!) The Pack realizes they need Elena’s tracking skills more than ever.
The guys meeting at Stonehaven. Who brought the onion dip?
Back in Toronto, Elena flirts with Philip and we realize she lives with him. This explains affording the rent! And affords an awkward moment where Phil sees a text from Jeremy. Elena’s forced to explain her family situation as “complicated.” Philip urges her to call Jeremy back. Too bad Clay answers the phone, and she hangs up. Nick rightfully dings him for ensuring Elena won’t call again. That night, Elena is woken from sleep by a wolf’s howl and meets up with Logan for a run. (Logan looks uh-mazing with his shirt off. Did this just turn into a Molly Harper Naked Werewolf book? I ain’t complainin’.) Much groaning and CGI precedes their free and furry antics. Unfortunately, they’re being recorded! Gasp! In the morning, Elena and Logan talk about how they have to lie to their human loved ones. She points out she has to lie at Stonehaven, too, because she can’t tell Clay about Philip. “What if I want out altogether?” she wonders. “You’re a werewolf, Elena. Ultimately, there is no out,” Logan says. “I’ll be on the first train,” she sighs. (Like we didn’t know that was going to happen!)
A tragically clothed Logan and his ladyfriend, Rachel
Back at the Poshpartment, a shirtless Phil wonders where Elena was, and she tells him Logan’s her cousin. “Our family tree’s more like a forest,” she explains, when he’s skeptical. She gingerly tells him she has to go home to help after a car accident and finally returns to Bear Valley, New York. News of the wolf kill is on warning flyers and in the newspapers. It’s all very mournful and ominous as she cabs it to Stonehaven. “Nothing up there scares me,” she assures the driver. She’s barely past the front gates when Clay appears behind her. “Missed you, too,” he rasps, as the moment grows tense.
Meanwhile, our creepy slut-shaming friend from the country bar wakes up next to a young woman, shifts…and then goes in for the kill.
What did you think of the series premiere of Bitten? Let me know in the comments. And program your DVR for another episode next Monday at 10/9c on SyFy!