Lay Pipe, Boink, Sexercize: Sex Euphemisms That Make Us Cringe

“Yo, Pep, I don't think they're gonna play this on the radio
And why not? Everybody has sex
I mean, everybody should be makin' love
Come on, how many guys you know make love?”
-“Let’s Talk About Sex,” Salt ‘N Pepa

Back in 1991, hip-hop trio Salt ‘N Pepa topped the charts with their ode to talking about doing the deed. Whether you call it having sex or making love, as they discussed in their song, there are many other euphemisms that can be used. And, let’s be honest, most of them are not sexy. Luckily most authors stick to the tried ‘n true and reference the act as straight-up sex, making love or the infamous four-letter-word used as a verb. We’ve compiled a list of euphemisms that are more likely to earn a side eye than a roll in the hay when whispered in the heat of the moment, and we’ve swapped them into passages just to highlight their ridiculousness. Follow along as we get busy, and let’s hope to never read these words coming out of anyone’s lips:

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Boink

 “Boink me,” she whispered. “I feel so alone, so empty. I need you. Please, Adam, please, boink me.” Adam closed his eyes and prayed for strength.

We’d pray for strength too, Adam. Boink is so déclassé.

Bounce the Pogo Stick

“I want to bounce the pogo stick with you, baby. Really bounce the pogo stick. I know you're scared. But it's the way we are finally going to connect completely, or if you hate it, it may tear us apart forever. “

Jeez, who wouldn’t be afraid? That sounds like it’d HURT. C’mon, he even mentions tearing!

Hide the Salami / Churn Butter / Check the Oil

"We can't hide the salami back at your house and I know you don't want to churn butter here, in the car, the way we did that night. Where can we go, honey ...”

"You're wrong about my not wanting to check the oil here and now, in the car," she said. "I do.”

Checking the oil is one thing, but anything involving refrigerated goods should be kept indoors.

Mix Up the Baby Batter

“Do you need to rest, or can I mix up the baby batter with you first?”

“As long as I can sleep sometime tonight, I'll be just fine.”

Well, you can’t expect her to be excited about jumping your mixer with a line like that!

Bump Uglies

“When I bump uglies with you, Anna, you will want me and no one else.” Anna was beyond caring.

We’d also be beyond caring — who the h, e, double hockey sticks wants to bump something ugly?

Fix Her Plumbing / Lay Pipe

"You really do want to fix my plumbing in the kitchen," she told him as he drew away slowly. He shook his head, his lips nearly brushing hers. "I want to lay pipe in the Jacuzzi," he said.

He may not be romantic, but he may actually — literally — be a handyman.

Making the Beasts with Two Backs

Oh, he wanted to make the beasts with two backs with her, he wanted nothing more than to carry her off to bed and make the beasts with two backs with her all night long.

Thanks, but we’d have to pass on that one.

Sexercize

 "This isn't advanced algebra, sugar. If you want the girl, sexercize her. That'll give her a pretty good clue.”

And besides the clue, she’ll get a great work out! We’d expect this word to be used by fans of Richard Simmons who like to sweat to the oldies.

Have any euphemisms that we missed? Tell us which one would send you into a fit of giggles if you ever actually heard it being used.