So a Vampire, a Werewolf and a Human Walk Into a Bar …

Paranormal author Michele Bardsley brings humor to an often angst-filled genre — the vampire tale.

Vampires, being creatures of the night, tend to be crabby. Lack of sun, you know. Have you ever known anyone who has a great tan to be anything less than cheerful?

Of course, being pale, dead, and on a diet that makes the Fat Flush appetizing would make anyone cantankerous. Maybe being immortal, gorgeous, powerful, and mysterious is just too hard on a soul filled with regrets and the longing to just feel human once more.

Hah. Are you freaking kidding me?

I don’t buy the angst. Unless master vampires are roaming the earth looking for whiners (I’m looking at you, Lorcan O’Halloran, oh guilt-filled one), then it doesn’t make a lot of sense. Granted, humans can be whiners, too, but filling up an eternity with regret is soooo not appealing. After the first century or two, wouldn’t a vampire just get the hell over himself? And who would date a guy (or girl) like that anyway?

As I started thinking about creating my own vampire world (and yes, my friends, I have written about whiny vampires … I guess I’m a sucker for the wounded hero, too, even if he is undead), I thought, “What if a single mom got turned?” Yeah. Not a lot of room for bemoaning your death when you still gotta scoop cat litter, bake cupcakes for the PTA, and get little Sally to her ballet lessons.

When I wrote the proposal for I'm The Vampire, That's Why, I didn’t think, “Oh, this is gonna be sooooo funny!” It was just that the circumstances, and the characters, had too much comedic potential for me to ignore. Jessica Matthews was a smart-ass, overworked, (and dare I say, whiny?) single mother who thought, “Oh, shit. I’m UNDEAD? That’s not gonna help my to-do list.”

And it totally didn’t. Heh. That’s the fun part, you know. Figuring out how to take a vampire and make everything about him/her funny. My characters don’t suffer much angst about their undead-ness. In fact, vampire moms find that whole glamour thing very convenient when it comes to getting their kids to do chores. (Is it wrong to mesmerize your own child into quietly cleaning his pit of a room? No. No, it’s not.)

Being a bloodsucking fiend of the night doesn’t have to be a downer, is all I’m saying. I mean, if the undead have been walking the earth for a few millennia, that’s a lot of time to get a sense of humor and collect a few jokes. Such as…

A vampire, a werewolf, and a human walk into a bar. The vampire and werewolf order drinks and the barman asks, “You want any appetizers?” They look at the human and say, “No, thanks. We brought our own.”

What? I didn’t say they were good jokes. But, really, are you going to tell a vampire his joke sucks?

- Michele Bardsley

Check out Michele Bardsley's newest release, Cross Your Heart, which features a set-in-her-ways vampire heroine and a charming were-jaguar hero.