At last it’s time for season two of those campy witches with the amazing hair, the Witches of East End! First off, I’d like to thank Lifetime for moving the ladies to a 9 p.m. time slot because I am old and I appreciate them respecting my bedtime.
There’s tons of exposition this episode in addition to your usual supernatural hijinx, and then a sexy ending that had me clutching my metaphorical pearls.
So let’s get to it, shall we? We begin with a veritable clip show from season one: The girls found out they were cursed witches! Freya had two brothers fighting over her. There were lots of past lives and kicky flashbacks with wigs. Cat-shifter Aunt Wendy was awesome. The girls met their dad — and found out about their long lost brother, and the world, Asgard, their mom and aunt left behind. The portal opened.
And we’re off!
We open in a forest, with a cat skulking around, a shadow chasing behind. Aunt Wendy shifts into human form and looks around furtively. Be careful, Wendy, you’re on your last life!
Freya, in our first lingerie sighting of the season, casts a spell complete with green flame.
Oh! Kinky alert! (This will be a theme. Trust me.) Upstairs, Joanna is tied to the bed and Victor smolders as he takes off his belt. Wocka wocka. (Does EL James get a cut of this?) Except then Victor takes out a knife and cuts Jo. She screams.
Alas, the truth is not so sexy, Jo is getting terrible treatments to counteract the poison Penelope administered during the finale. Victor cuts her arm and … I can’t you guys, this is terrible … he inserts worms under her skin. She screams again. I cringe.
Meanwhile, Ingrid’s wandering around outside in a pretty white dress. (Do none of these people own flannel PJs?)
So, boy, these ladies are in recap mode, though they should leave that to the professionals. Harrumph. Ready? Freya’s got insomnia, she can’t find Killian and he’s ignoring her calls/texts. Who will she smolder at now?
Ingrid reports that she woke up in the front yard — apparently sleepwalking is her new thing.
Wendy’s back now, too, and she knows for sure something came through the portal, she can sense someone skulking around. She for real uses the word “skulk”, which seriously only makes me love her more. Wendy, Ingrid and Jo don’t remember what happened the night of the wedding when the portal opened, hence the memory potion Freya’s brewing.
Jo joins the ladies, and they drink Freya’s concoction. They also work very hard at setting up Ingrid’s arc for the season, discussing how Ingrid is so cautious and reliable. (So we’re forgetting that whole Satanic cult thing from last season? Sure!) They sprout third eyes, as one does, and realize someone definitely came through the portal.
The ladies in mega recap mode.
Wendy says “shit”! I did not know you could do that at 9 pm!
Back at the estate, we get our first Dash sighting. Dude is pissed. And trying to make boxes move with his hands, because he can’t figure out his powers. He also talks to a vision of Killian, whom he clocked on the head and sent adrift in last season’s finale, remember? Dash is doing that soap character thing where he burns photos and mementos of his past relationship.
And it’s our first shirtless dude! He’s in the forest Wendy was lurking in, and he’s got a strange mark on his chest.
Dr. Dash is at work when a man comes in with a crazy design drawn in blood on his chest, a design that matches shirtless dude’s scar. He’s screaming about the forest and warnings and the ancient symbol of the king.
Freya has a vision of Killian. They make out, but then Freya realizes Killian’s bleeding. He collapses.
Ingrid’s at work, wearing wacky earrings because she wants to mix things up. She’s applying for a job to archive witchy, old timey documents or something. Me and her co-worker, Buffy’s Andrew, dozed off during the explanation. Also, someone’s lurking in the stacks watching her!
Wendy’s at the library to check out a book that might help Jo. Some bearded dude wants the very same book. They flirt, because Wendy is the awesomest. There’s some magical hijinx.
Dash is at work and giving himself an MRI to try and figure out what’s going on with his telekinesis. Sure! Vision-Killian mocks him for us, which is nice.
Jo tries to toast her family as they eat a charming dinner outside when she passes out with a mega nosebleed. Yick. Victor tries to calm the girls, but Wendy knows the truth, as always. Jo’s days are numbered. There’s a plant in the Amazon that might help, and Victor’s off to get it — he just hopes there’s enough time.
Ingrid goes to her interview. The guy is jerky because Ingrid lied about her qualifications. Shadowy dude watches from the balcony.
Shadowy dude incinerates his clothes in the forest, and I think it’s Wendy’s library buddy, but don’t make me pinky swear, okay?
Ingrid is in recap mode at the bar, reminding us all how she’s the key to opening the portal to Asgard. Andrew shows up and tells Ingrid they should cast a spell to get her the job, just like they did for Barb last season to get her knocked up. Ingrid demurs, Freya pushes. Second verse, same as the first.
I know you guys would want to see Buffy’s Andrew alive and well, and in the Hamptons ... Just wait til the end of the episode, Andrew!
Freya makes a potion. Ingrid’s phone rings soon after, she got the job! She dances on a bar stool and promptly falls off, lol. An EMT shows up — and it’s Wendy’s dude from the library. They bicker.
Dash rolls into the bar and glares at Freya. The ladies notice his dark and angry aura. (Is glaring the new smoldering?) It’s awkward.com. He gets a call from the MRI tech (We’re just going to ignore the implausibility of all these business calls coming late at night.) Apparently, Dash’s MRI showed some abnormalities … the very same ones which one other patient had years ago. A patient named … Ingrid Beauchamp. (This is where my husband shouted “TWIST!” and then left the room to go read his Sports Illustrated.)
Wendy reads Freya’s cards and they learn that Killian’s boat sunk in a storm. He’s alive but taking lots of money from people somewhere, and that an owl is shielding him, but maybe in a bad way?
Wendy finds Jo sorting through her jewelry, picking who’s getting what when she dies. It’s sad. Jo says she’s ready to go, maybe her dying will even set her girls free from their curse. The sisters embrace and weep. There’s a knock at the door. It takes Wendy about 80 hours to walk to the front door, so we know someone important is there. It’s a hooded figure, whom a lurking Jo recognizes: Frederick! Her long lost son, whom she abandoned in Asgard. Dun dun dun!
Apparently, Frederick also had memory loss and just remembered who he was, hence the skulking. Jo thinks someone else came through the portal who’s making trouble. Wendy is making her skeptical face. Frederick says Asgard has descended into chaos and he’s been trying to escape for hundreds of years. Wendy doesn’t trust him, reminding Jo — and the audience — that Frederick betrayed them and aligned himself with Jo and Wendy’s bad dad. Frederick interrupts to heal Jo by taking the poison into himself. His grandpa has apparently tried to kill him more than once with the stuff, so he built up an immunity. Sure!
Dash tries to talk to Ingrid as she leaves the bar, but Freya interrupts to try and apologize — and ask about Killian. It does not go over well. He mind-throws a table and storms off. Freya does an excellent WTF face.
Freya tells Wendy that Dash has powers. Wendy exposits that as Penelope stole the brothers’ powers as babies, now that she’s dead, they must have gotten them back. (Let’s take a minute to pour one out for the bitchiest near-MIL of East End, Virginia Madsen. Miss you, Penny!)
Jo feels awesome and is so psyched that Frederick is back. Wendy says they shouldn’t trust him, they haven’t seen him in 400 years. Frederick’s upstairs, eavesdropping, as his scar pulses. Yick.
Someone sends Dash a blackmailing email of him hurling Killian across the boat. Ruh roh!
Killian’s cleaning up at an island casino. A woman, Eva, comes in and they make out. He’s gleeful about his winnings and says it’s like he can anticipate what the other players will do. Apparently, it was Eva who saved him and he’s still got a bandage on his neck. He tells Eva he’s going to stay with her, and we see she has an owl tramp stamp. Dun dun dun!
Okay, so, you guys. Ingrid’s sleepwalking again in the woods. She approaches a scaly dude. She asks if he needs to be fed. He ... caresses her with his tail. Then all these other tentacles show up and start unbuttoning her blouse and … well you get the idea. I never promised I’d recap tentacle sex, folks. Use your imaginations, eh?
Thank goodness for GIFs (consider yourself warned)
And this was basically my reaction:
Next week: More shenanigans!
Are you watching season 2 of Witches of East End? Could you stomach the end of last night's episode? Tell me in the comments! For even more spellbinding TV recaps, click here!