Witches of East End Recap: Episode 1.3, “Today, I am a Witch”

You guys, I think the Witches of East End is a real hit. It’s entertaining, everyone’s hair is gorgeous — and they even make a joke about it!  — snaps, writing staff! And Aunt Wendy, played by Mädchen Amick, continues to be our BWF. (Best Witch Forever, obvs.) Onto the recap …

None of the Beauchamp ladies are sleeping — or so it seems. (Cue: Ooooh.)

Freya’s in bed with our guy Dash. She can’t sleep and so she wanders the halls of the Gardiner’s fancy estate. She’s wearing a gorgeous nightie, obvs, and runs into Killian (also obvs). They totally make out. Freya! Bad girl. Dash totally sees them! But wait: Freya wakes up.

Wendy’s awake, too, dealing her tarot cards, trying to figure out who’s going to bite it thanks to Ingrid’s unnecessary resurrection spell. Ingrid’s also up. The tarot cards forecast that it is Ingrid who will die. Ingrid’s hands turns to ice as Wendy tells her: This is all your fault. Ingrid wakes up.

Joanna jerks awake as well. Ooh! Joanna 2.0 is in her room. 2.0 lunges at 1.0, burning that symbol we’ve been seeing everywhere onto Joanna’s nice headboard. Joanna 2.0 strangles 1.0 and holds up a hair-covered totem (ew). Say it with me: Johanna wakes up.

Ingrid’s for real awake now. Wendy’s still up, looking at the spell book. Apparently the Beauchamps are not big sleepers. How do they all look so fresh and dewy all the time? Wendy offers to teach Ingrid magic, to distract her as they wait for the resurrection spell’s consequences to play out. Freya comes home, and laments her sexy Killian dreams, assuring us all that Dash is hot hot hot between the sheets. (As if this was ever in question!) Ingrid makes our dashing Dash joke. And Wendy promises to tutor both sisters in magic, so long as they don’t tell Joanna.

Of course, Joanna overhears. She hurls the spell book into the fire and assures/lies that she’s banished the shapeshifter, the end.

The next morning, Joanna is outside, checking out the tree that 2.0 burned the ubiquitous symbol into in last week’s episode. It seems only dark magic will save Joanna 1.0, but that’s not how she wants to play this - she wants to keep the girls away from all things magic. Wendy is frustrated with this plan but promises: no magic.

Cut to witch lessons with Aunt Wendy! 

We want in!

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Joanna resurrects the spell book. Phew.

Cue creepy stalker photos of Joanna, and a hand with long, yicky fingernails messing with a hair brush. Hey, it’s 2.0’s real hands!

Detective Adam heads to the library to ask Ingrid out. Yay! Apparently, he’s off Joanna’s case (conflict of interest, which, like no one ever pays attention on soap operas ever, but points for realism, WOEE!). So it’s cool for them to date, once Ingrid believes he actually likes her. C’mon, girl!

Freya’s swamped at work, but then Killian hops behind the bar to help. Freya freaks and makes a shelf of glasses fall and shatter.

Joanna walks into her bedroom and finds the evil symbol on her headboard — for real this time. Turns out Wendy was the culprit, trying to get Joanna to remember more of the dream. Joanna remembers the weapon 2.0 had in her dream: a strange little doll made out of hair. Wendy has a pic of the same sort of energy talisman. It only works on the witch whose hair it is made of. Wendy wants Joanna to go on the offensive, already. Joanna’s worried about the girls and nastily points out to barren Wendy that she doesn’t understand, she’s not a mother. They fight.

Freya’s testing her powers, trying to crash beer bottles. Aaaaand Killian got a job at Freya’s bar! He needs money, he doesn’t take anything from his rich family. They stare longingly at each other, then Freya breaks more glasses. (You’d think she’d get in trouble, at some point.)

Seriously, how would these two ever get anything done at work?

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Meanwhile, Ingrid and Adam are on their date! They talk about what they’re not supposed to talk about: the murder. Ingrid’s not worried, her mom is obviously innocent. Adam wants Ingrid to prepare herself for the worst: Joanna could for serious go away. This kills the mood.

Joanna’s looking over her (long) list of enemies. She begins pulling objects from her magic box, remembering the people she’s wronged: the flask she poisoned a woman with, the gun she used to … hurl a woman up into the sky? The hammer she used to bury a dude alive.

Old Timey Joanna, looking nefarious yet fetching

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Ingrid, emboldened by Wendy’s lessons, wants to tweak a spell. Wendy is super anti this idea, pointing out that Ingrid has zero experience in this lifetime. Ingrid insists she’s been a student of witchcraft, academically, for years. Wendy is unimpressed and makes Ingrid promise to cast no spells unless Wendy is with her. Ingrid promises unconvincingly.

Freya’s getting it on with Dash. And, ding! Ding! Ding! It’s time to ogle Jenna Dewan-Tatum’s bosom again, thanks to a gravity defying lacy purple bra. We mean: That woman Just. Had. A baby.

We bow down, JD-T.

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Anyway, Freya tells Dash that Killian got a job at her bar. Dash fesses up: he was engaged once before — and Killian slept with her. Sound familiar?! Dash says Killian has always been a screw up, jealous of golden boy Dash. And he’s always gone after Dash’s girls as revenge.

Ingrid is at the library, editing a spell, just like she promised she wouldn’t do. She kneels down, amidst candles, to chant. Her hands start to freeze, just like in her dream. She screams, and Wendy shows up to save the day. She didn’t believe Ingrid after all. (Our love grows, Wendy!)

Freya confronts Killian at the bar. He admits to the fiancée boinking, but denies the rest of Dash’s story — and insists the connection between him and Freya is real. She rebuffs. Atta girl!

Joanna’s cooking, but watch out! 2.0 is right behind her. They fight, supernatural style. Freya walks in and, able to discern her real mama, uses her powers to hurl a knife at 2.0. 2.0 dissolves into the fire.

2.0 goes poof!

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Dash is waiting for Killian outside the bar. “You won’t win this one, Killian.” Killian wants to know if Dash told Freya, “the rest of the story.” Our man Dash is silent.

Ingrid is recovering from her spell as Wendy counsels her niece John Cusack style: YOU MUST CHILL. Adam shows up and Wendy beats a quick retreat so the two can canoodle. Aw.

The Beauchamps all gather together and Joanna admits that she needs help. It’s time for the girls to step up their witch lessons. First up: they head back into the yard to cast a protection spell. Contrary to the tree withering last week, flowers bloom.

At last we get a glimpse of 2.0’s real personage — it’s a bald dude! Aiii!

Next week: Freddie Prinze, Junior, shirtless.

Sarah Michelle Gellar, we get it. 

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What did you think of this week’s Witches of East End? Are you officially a fan like us? Sound off below and check back next Monday for the next recap.