Well friends, what a wild ride it’s been. Secrets have been revealed, tarot cards read and shirtless dudes ogled. But at last we reach the Witches of East End season one finale! We played WOEE bingo along with author Melissa de la Cruz on Twitter last night, and as we recap this last bombastic episode, we’ll mark our squares. Thanks for watching with us!
Freya and Killian are staring longingly at each other, per usual. (ONE!) Killian tells Freya he loves her, from before he ever met her. She demurs. He smolders. (TWO!) He says if she marries Dash, he’ll destroy her, echoing the tarot card warning. She runs away, but not before Victor comes out and sees Killian. They stare at each other. But not longingly.
I’m going to miss these fools starting at each other.
Cat Wendy (THREE!) heads into the tunnels below Fairhaven to the portal door. Naked human Wendy stands before the door, looking concerned. She returns home to report to Johanna and Victor that there’s the liquid metal leaking out, which means that the shifter is trying to open the portal. Sure! It’s the finale, we’ve got to get this plot moving. It turns out that the metal, which killed poor, nice Dr. Amy last week, can also kill the immortal Jo. Victor points out that the portal is at Fairhaven, where, oh, Freya’s getting married today. The sisters know, but both Dash and Penelope tested as mortal. (Still unclear on how all that worked out, because doesn’t Penelope have Freya’s powers now?) Victor hotly tells Jo he’s sticking around as Wendy awesomely (FOUR!) quirks her eyebrow. Jo admits she needs help. Which basically never happens, so you know it’s serious.
Ingrid’s talking to Mike, whom we still don’t like. He insists she’s the key to Asgaard. Ingrid shoots him down ah-gain.
Penelope stirs a pot of fire. As one does. She casts a spell (FIVE!) and crazy cryogenic bats fly everywhere.
You guys, I love this show.
Wedding day! Dash smiles at Freya’s ring and a shirtless Killian (SIX!) moons on his boat. We’ll comfort you, Killian! Freya walks down the hall in a nightgown (SEVEN!) holding her veil. Jo wakes up next to Victor. Wocka wocka.
Jenna, you are one pretty lady.
Freya’s trying on her veil when Jo comes in for a talk. They hug and Johanna’s bracelet gets stuck on the veil. Freya worries that it’s bad luck, but Jo is all, whatever it’s fine. It’s also pouring rain. Wendy worries that it’s an omen. Johanna poo poos, but then a crow flies into the door and dies. Wendy’s worries about the trifecta.
Jo gives up and admits the shapeshifter is sending dark energy their way. But she wants to fight it, to give Freya this day, regardless of the danger. Freya’s never been alive long enough to get married or have children, thanks to the curse (EIGHT!) and Johanna wants to give her a shot. The sisters vow to counteract the dark with light. For Freya!
Ingrid breaks into Mike’s hotel room, magic style. There are creepy stalker collages everywhere. Ingrid steals some papers and then Boo! Mike appears. Doh! They argue. Mike continues to be super creepy. He’s obsessed with opening the portal door. Ingrid drops some magic on his butt and skedaddles.
Freya’s cooking breakfast and bonding with her dad, lamenting her loss of powers. She wants him to walk him down the aisle — it’s fate that he showed up just when he did. They talk tarot. Freya insists that she chooses Dash. We think she doth protest a little too much.
Ingrid arrives and snarks at her dad. Freya insists that it’s all meant to be! The sisters bond. (NINE!)
Freya thanks Jo for clearing up the rain, and tells Johanna she wants both her parents to walk her down the aisle. Jo gives Freya a box from Killian. It’s a music box, playing the song Killian wrote that Freya knew, even though SHE COULDN’T POSSIBLY. Freya gets upset.
Freya shows up at the bar, and Dash gives her a beautiful piece of blue, new jewelry. As in, he’s being dashing. (TEN!)
Ingrid asks Victor about Asgaard. Victor explains there was a war, and they lost. He says the door has to stay closed because there are evil, dangerous people on the other side of the door — as well as people they left behind, aka the brother no one’s told the girls about. (Can’t wait to see who they cast as the brother.)
Mike creepily puts on a suit — and puts a loaded gun in his pocket. This is going to be some wedding!
(One thing I won’t miss not that season one is ending is watching the creeptastic Flowers in the Attic promos. NO THANK YOU, LIFETIME! Though RT’s Mala can hack it, and she’ll be recapping the drama!)
Musical montage of the ladies getting ready! There are few things I love more than a musical montage. Freya looks gorgeous, as do the rest of the ladies.
Is it any wonder this woman has two men fighting over her? More like: only two?!
She shows off her new bling as well as the the tarot card (ELEVEN!) tucked into her garter belt. They do a blessing. The bracelet falls off. Dun dun dun!
Victor has something to tell Freya. He busts out a wooden box, because that’s how everyone keeps things in this family, very picturesquely. Victor tells Freya their lives have crossed in the past. Turns out that when Freya was in San Francisco while Ingrid was getting freaky with the satanic cult, Victor was with her. And it’s time for a FLASHBACK! (TWELVE!) In San Francisco, Freya and she was happy, truly happy, because she’d found her other half — Killian 1.0! Victor tells Freya that Killian could be her old love, reborn through reincarnation in search of her. He could have mentioned this to her a little sooner, huh?
Information that would have been helpful sooner.
Jo wants to know why Penelope kept the portrait of Archibald Browning. The ladies fight over if ole Archie was good or bad. Penelope suggests they ask Ingrid. Dun dun dun! Jo asks: WHY? Penelope covers, but our girl Jo ain’t buying it.
Jo figures out that Penelope is the shifter. She tells Wendy, who’s mysteriously wearing sunglasses. In the midst of the wedding, they scurry down to the portal. But d’oh! Wendy is the shifter! (THIRTEEN!) Penelope zaps Jo.
Our girl Wendy is awesome enough to wear sunglasses even at night.
Penelope goes all villain and confesses her evil plan to a trussed up Jo, who’s stuck inside a magical circle that negates Jo’s powers. Okay, sure! Penelope reveals that she’s Athena, and that she’s been searching for Jo and co. for decades.
Penelope busts out a bunch of torture tools she stole from Alias or Scandal. Jo apologizes for killing Archibald, but Penelope ain’t having it. She tells Jo that Dash really is in love with Freya, and that he and Killian really are her sons and mortal — for now. Seems she borrowed their powers when they were babies. I don’t know. Let’s just go with it. Penelope stabs Jo with a … tube?
In the wooden box, Freya finds a record, and it plays Killian’s song, the one from the music box, that she shouldn’t have known, but did. We see Killian getting on his boat to sail away.
Freya breaks it off with Dash. He is not dashing, and doesn’t take it well. (Also, weirdly, he has some stubble. Like, shave for your wedding day, dude!)
Mike shows up at the wedding and evilly drinks some champagne. They’re playing that one classical song I really like. He finds Ingrid and pulls a gun on her. He tells her he’ll pull the trigger faster than she can do any magic. Hoo kay! We’ll go with it.
Wendy and Victor realize Jo is missing and split up to look for her.
Having stolen Jo’s immortality by injecting her with the liquid metal poison, Penelope puts Jo’s head in a noose. (At least she’s a thorough villain!) This does not look good. But our girl Wendy shows up and attacks Penelope.
Somewhere nearby in the tunnels, ay yi yi, Mike shoots Ingrid! She’s weeping at the wall, and, placing her bloody hangs on it, it begins to move.
Penelope and Wendy have a bad ass girl fight in ball gowns! Wendy manages to break the circle so Jo gets her powers back. Penelope points out that Jo still has the poison in her. But the sisters hang Penelope on the noose and hurl her into the fire! It’s very exciting.
Bye, Penelope/Athena! You were a great villain!
Dash and Killian and Freya all get their powers restored when Penelope dies. The music blares, and I gotta say, this is a great season finale.
Freya magically hotwires a car to get to Killian. But Dash is there first, and the brothers supernaturally fight. Dash knocks Killian out and unmoors the boat. DASH! Not Dashing AT ALL!
Freya funs down the dock in her wedding dress, but the boat is gone.
Jo’s feeling wobbly thanks to the poison as the ground shifts. The sisters run to help Ingrid, who’s gotten the gun away from Mike. But it’s too late. The portal opens and Mike is incinerated. See ya, jerk! Out walks a figure.
And here’s our final bingo card! We didn’t get BINGO, but we think it’s pretty fitting that we crossed off thirteen squares!
That’s all til season two, friends! We’ll see you then! Thanks for coming along on the ride!