Shadowhunters Recap: S1, E 3: Dead Man's Party

Last week, Simon was dangled from a tower by the Children of the Night and Clary found out her dad is Valentine. To the tape!

Clary is mad Simon got snatched. Alec broken records that he wants to involve the council. Clary helpfully recaps for us that both the vamps and Valentine want the mortal cup, which controls demons and makes Shadowhunters — and are willing to trade Simon and her mom, respectively, for it. CLARY, ARE YOU TRYING TO STEAL MY RECAPPING JOB?
Donna from Parks and Rec says to, "Watch Yourself."
Thank you, Donna.
Simon is freaking out. Raphael comes in and vamps out, making me miss Angel.
Clary finds out that the crew knows where Simon is being held. She wants to go get him, but Alec — say it with me — wants a resolution. They discuss how Shadowhunters don't like downworlders, blah blah worldbuilding. Clary wants to run off because they're joking and she's worried. Everyone stares at each other. Jace says the vamps broke the accords by kidnapping a mundane, and they can just go, get Simon and get a wrist slap later. They make a plan to sneak out with weapons.
Simon is still freaking out. He bad asses and grabs a knife and stabs Raphael! But then Camille shows up and licks Simon's head wound. Like you didn't know that was going to happen. 
Our crew is at a graveyard to find a weapons cache. Isabelle stalks off to meet her Seelie connection to find out how to get into the vampire lair. Alec tells Jace to quit showing off for Clary. They find the grave and grab the weapons. They don't have the bow Alec wants, so he's going back to the Institute solo. Which gives Jace and Clary the chance for a sexytimes sword lesson. Yes, an actual sword. Jace assures Clary he and Alec have an unbreakable bond. 
Simon's as surprised as we are that he stabbed Raphael. Camille vamps (pun very much intended) that she wants the mortal cup to control the Shadow World. Girl's got ambition! Raphael points out that they might need to band with the Shadowhunters if Valentine gets out of control, but ehhhh she's not buying that. 
Our girl Isabelle has had a very sexy costume change (which is saying something because she was wearing a half-sheer leotard before) to see Meliorn in a tent in the park. Sure! They kiss. She actually says, "The only thing I have to do is you," and then unzips her dress. He pumps her — FOR INFORMATION, you dirty birds. They fool around on the bed as he exposits that Seelies can't lie, so he'll have to tell her the truth, though he'll evade — VIA SEXYTIMES.
Like this, except with much less clothing and much more innuendo.
Alec sneaks into the Institute to get the weapons he needs. Hodge discovers him. He warns Alec about Clary's dad, but still cringes every time he says Valentine's name because his neck tattoo burns. The sizzling. 
Jace takes Clary to a biker bar. Clary's ponytail looks awesome. Jace sends her to flirt with a vamp. He entrances her quickly. Jace and the vamp fight. They steal his motorcycle. NGL, it's a good move. Although the grownup in me must point out that they aren't wearing helmets and that isn't safe. They take flight. 
David Hasselhoff Flies.
Thank you, Internet.
Camille and Simon are making out on a gold lamé couch. It is as awesome as that sentence sounds. Simon folds like a cheap suit and tells Camille that Clary's memory is wiped. Camille curses our guy Magnus. They drink Bloody Mary cocktails and get blood all over each other's necks. 
Post-coital Isabelle grills her man on how he gets in to see his other lover, Camille. Seelies can't lie, so one assumes he fesses up. 
Isabelle tells Alec the plan. He's surly. But that's his thing! The siblings bicker. Jace burns some runes onto Clary. They flirt some more. Clary tells Jace that her bond with Simon is like his with Alec. IDK if it sticks, but she's trying. 
Camille senses the presence of the Shadowhunters as our gang edges toward the hotel where Simon is being held. Meanwhile, Simon is loopy. 
Patrick knows loopy.
Alec and Isabelle sneak into the hotel and find a gaggle of vamps. The siblings get ready to fight. They have great banter. Time for battle! Clary and Simon sneak in a separate entrance only to find the vamp whose bike they stole. He's mad. Alec comes to the rescue. This whole hotel has gold lamé couches! I need one. Clary kills a vamp. She looks freaked out. 
Simon tries to make a break for it. Raphael grabs Simon and sends Camille packing — she's too valuable to be found. Our Shadowhunters are coming to the rescue! It's great! Raphael leads them to the exit and … lets Simon go? Because he's a Valentine fan, apparently. Twist! yells my husband before he heads to bed. It's impressive that he lasted this long. 
Clary and Simon hug. It's nice. Jace and Alec look annoyed. Clary kisses Simon's cheek and tell him he's her best friend. He looks depressed — and then he stares longingly at the vein in her neck. 
Not good.
Ruh roh! We'll be back next week, and in the meantime you can find our recaps here